life goes on

you can stop reading if you're tired of hearing me talk about breastfeeding problems. i know this blog is supposed to be about happy things, but i also want to document the truth. i cried all day long. this whole breastfeeding journey has been one of my hardest struggles in life. after last night, i stubbornly came home and tried to fix my swollen boob again, only to make it worse. it was even worse than it was when i went to the dr last week. i knew it was my own fault for letting it swell up again. so i prayed for God to heal it. immediately, reese woke up and cleared it out. he usually can't do that, so i know it was really God's doing. He has been right next to me through this whole struggle, constantly answering my prayers whenever i ask for help.. but my own stubborness has prevented me from just accepting what's best. the truth is that as much as i struggled and as relieved as i am to finally admit that it's not working, i am also unbelievably sad. i know i tried as hard as i possibly could, but i still can't help but feel guilty and defeated. i can't help but feel like i failed miserably. i can't stop thinking that reese and i are going to become less close for some reason. i keep remembering the sweet moments, no matter how few there actually were, and feel sad that i may never experience that ever again. but i guess this is the inevitable part of life. it has to move on. jennifer keeps reminding me that weaning will be hard no matter when it happens. i kept trying to fight to reach my 6-month goal, but who's to say that i won't be just as sad then? i am only prolonging the inevitable, along with a lot of stress and pain. i KNOW this is what is right for me. i KNOW things will be better. but right now it's just so hard.

BUT, there's no turning back now. we gave reese his very first bottle of formula today. he loved it. that's a very happy start for our new beginning. as jonah said yesterday, it's going to get harder before it gets better, but it will get better. with all the love we have in our home, i am hopeful and can't wait to get to the other side.